While I was active in my alcoholic disease, honesty was not a spiritual principle I gave much thought to other than “I bought the last round, so this one is your turn” or “I did NOT say that about so and so (when I probably had)”. My actions and behaviors were not honest. While I was hitting bottom and bouncing along I began to get a few moments of clarity – having a true glimpse of who I had become under the influence of alcohol. Life was not working the way I wanted it to, people were not behaving the way I wanted them to and none of it was my problem. DUH.
When my first sponsor brought me to my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous I felt safe, I felt comfortable sitting in a chair and not having to say anything, I heard the language of the heart but couldn’t tell you the words of it. Step One is the only step we can work perfectly. The other eleven steps of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous are ideals to which we should strive toward.
The decision for Step One is Do I want God’s mercy or to continue with the merciless obsession? After reading the Doctor’s opinion in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, reading Step One in the Twelve by Twelve with my sponsor then looking at the unmanageability of my life and the consequences of my actions the decision became easier to make. I did not want the merciless obsession any longer. It took my several more weeks to read the complete first 164 pages of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous then to have the head to heart drop to actually believe I was a real alcoholic.
Now, having many days and years of sobriety to reflect upon, Step One continues to serve me on a regular basis with the daily business of living even though alcohol has been out of the picture for some time. I can take ANY situation that I have allowed me to be in a state of restless, irritability and discontent and apply Step One followed by the rest of the steps and come to a place of freedom once again.
The steps continue to be a ‘way of life’ and I use them all regularly. At first I took the steps, learning to walk in sobriety and now I enjoy the dance of the steps and see which one applies at the moment. Cha-Cha, waltz or boogie down – 2010 will be a present to unwrap one day at a time and a dance to dance.